


No Buts

by NudeScientist



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Best Man Eren, Cheating, Cuddles, Domestic Violence, Drunken Confessions, Endgame Levi/Eren, Eren deserves better, Eren to the Rescue, F/M, Fertility Issues, Funerals, Grieving, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Lawyer Levi, Loss, M/M, Oblivious Levi, Older Eren Yeager, Pining, Plant Daddy Eren, Pregnancy, Running Away, Smiling to Hide the Pain, Smoker Eren, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Wedding, domestic abuse, eren is in love, ereri, sorry petra
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2020-05-12 10:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19227358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NudeScientist/pseuds/NudeScientist
Summary: “Levi is marrying Petra.Levi is marrying Petra.“They’ve only been dating since forever. They’re high school sweethearts. Of course they’d marry each other. It doesn’t hurt.It doesn’t hurt.Endgame-Ereri





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Lot sof bad things. Domestic Abuse. Self Harm. Poetic and not very graphic but still very present. Be kind to yourself!
> 
> Please don’t kill me for posting this instead of updating APA. This is at most gonna be a three shot. Two shot if I’m impatient. Depressed brain decided to write this so I’m getting it out while the weather sucks.

Levi is marrying Petra. 

_Levi is marrying Petra._

**Levi is marrying Petra.**

_No buts._ Eren tells himself. No buts. Because Levi is marrying Petra and he is the best man. Best friend. Best everything. Just not good enough to be wearing Levi’s ring. Not brave enough to confess that he’s been in love with him all these years. Not suitable enough. Not feminine enough. Not Petra enough. 

So he swallows one last time before he walks down the aisle one more time. The remnant flavors of alcohol and regret in his mouth. 

_He won’t remember._

Eren had been sure of that. Had gotten Levi sufficiently liqoured up and tried to tell him that he’s loved him since the 11th grade. Why he hasn’t dated anyone since the 10th grade except that one summer with Reiner after their freshman year in college. Why he stays single. Why he’s all alone. Why he cries long and hard at night. 

Levi has always been with Petra. 

She’s a goddess. Truly. She deserves the world and moon and stars. She’s so kind hearted. So sweet. So soft and loving and motherly. She’ll give Levi beautiful babies and raise them up right. He’ll have the family he’s always wanted. 2.5 kids and cat and all. 

_He’ll be happy._

Eren pats down his pockets searching for a lighter. He hasn’t smoked since freshman year exams. No one told him college would be such a bitch. He spent his breaks smoking with Levi on the balcony of their shared apartment listening to Californication and Scar Tissue on repeat. Levi would read through his flash cards and text Petra. Levi would smirk at Petra’s messages. Levi would reply instantly. Levi would take her call and greet her with a soft “Love” like he always did and now Levi is marrying Petra. 

Eren would sit in silence because Petra had Levi on her family’s Apple Music account and that’s where they played everything. He’d sit in silence and hear Levi snort and snicker and chuckle and purr into his phone. Eren would sit in silence and die a little because Levi has always been with Petra. Eren never had a chance. Never stood a chance. 

He lights his cigarette and waits for the show to end. Everyone is gathering after the rehearsal and are scoping out their seats for the reception. Mikasa, Armin, Hanji, and Erwin chat away at the table closest to the bride and groom-to-be. Eren’s seat is there. He tries not to curl his lip in disgust. He tries to not hide his heartbreak in anger.

He’s not even half way through his smoke before he stamps it out. He crushes it under his heel wishing it were his unrequited feelings and not his whole heart instead. Still, he smiles brightly and greets their mutual friends. Levi knows everyone. All of his friends and family know and love Levi. Especially Eren. Eren loves Levi and Levi is marrying Petra. 

The night proceeds without a hitch. Levi and Petra walk to the table hand-in-hand. She smiles brightly making eye contact with her guests, nearly skipping to her seat. Levi smiles softly yet sadly. Only the people that know Levi best can tell the difference. None of them bring it up. 

_“I will always, only ever, love you.”_

It wasn’t how he wanted to say it. He had a whole speech prepared. The words were lost amongst the alcohol, bad strippers and celebrations. He had lots of different ways to express his longing ready. His pain and his regret. He couldn’t get them out when the soft inebriated joy in Levi’s face transformed to concern. He mumbled a small “I love you too” before Reiner shouted “Is this your beach ball!” while flexing his hard earned biceps. 

Now. Now Eren watches Petra fail at tucking Levi’s bangs behind his ear. He’s always keeps it too short to tuck. The loose strands fall in front of his piercing cobalt eyes again. Most of his friends learned not to bother. Eren always carried hair clips until Mikasa carried them for him. What was important to Eren was important to her. 

Eren shuffles to his table and asks Mikasa for one. She forks over a hello kitty clip he bought for Levi just before he took the BAR. She’s aware of how much these clips mean to him. How much Levi means to him. Eren expresses his gratitude with a hearty laugh and says, 

“You always know which one he needs.”

Of course she does. She watched Eren carefully choose which one Levi needed for years. 

Eren clamps down on the memories of placing different clips in Levi’s hair. A lipstick red one during the summer when it was so hot Levi got sunburned on the balcony. During the fall, Eren would choose a lime green one when Levi would come home from his shitty part time job and pull out his text books immediately after. Even during the winter when Levi would wrap himself in all of Eren’s sweaters and whine about the slurry and how people forgot how to drive. Eren would pin his bangs back with a dark brown clip. He’d double tap his forehead and Levi’s eyes would look a little bluer than usual. 

Armin and Mikasa watch Eren stride to the soon-to-be-wedded couple. They watch as Eren rounds the table, places a hand on Levi’s forehead to rest his crown of Eren’s stomach. They watch as Eren runs his fingers through Levi’s dark hair and place the clip in just the right spot so all of the bangs are pulled away. They watch as Levi smiles gently at Eren from his seat. 

They watch as Eren’s eyes become a little bluer too. 

He walks away without tapping Levi’s forehead which confuses everyone that knows this little tradition. Eren’s heart is leaden and dying. There’s no need for secretive forehead kisses anymore. It’s the last time he’ll pull back his bangs. It’s the last time he’ll receive that small smile. He smiles cheerily at the confused faces then feigns one of his own. Everyone there knows anyway. There’s no point in pretending. Eren waves them off and accepts the scrunchie from Mikasa. 

After a night of bullshitting and recounting embarrassing stories from college they return to their rooms a little lighter and a little happier. All except two. Well, three. Levi and Eren and Petra. The air is heavy between them but still friendly. That night Eren collects the rings. One titanium band with five inlaid diamond and another white gold band with five diamond perched delicately in its grasp. Custom made of course. 

They part with meaningful hugs and grand smiles and Eren thinks he might kill himself before the ceremony. He thinks he might leave his corpse on display so at the very least they don’t think he disappeared. He decides against it in the end. Again. He tells the darkness

“Maybe next week.”

The wedding itself is beautiful. A fantastic blend of corals and greys and hues of chocolates. The flowers are gorgeous and so are the guests and Eren himself is a vision in his peach blazer and cream pants. His hair is pulled back from his face in a neat bun for once. The rings are in his front right pocket. His speech in his back left. The keys to his new apartment are already on the ring and his ticket to Florida was printed out at the reception this morning. 

He greets Levi just before the wedding with a double tap to his forehead. One last time because he couldn’t resist. One last time because he’ll never see him again. Levi smiles brightly and double taps him back. Eren laughs at how clueless he is sometimes and turns to walk down the aisle himself. Petra’s bridesmaid Ilse on his arm. His back straight as an arrow and a winning smile plastered on his face. 

The smile remains the whole night through. Through the vows, ring exchange, and certificate signing. Through the rounds and damage control and through knocking a few back with old man Pixis. When it’s time for speeches Eren sobers up abruptly. 

“Thank you all for attending this celebration. It means a lot to us to have living proof that Levi has more than five friends. You don’t count Oulo! Really though. Thank you. For letting me be apart of something so precious. So important. I’m honored and glad to have witnessed our little Levi come out of his antisocial shell. Had any of you told us Levi would be the first to marry we’d have sprayed the cafeteria table with whatever we had in our mouths and laughed until we died. Alas, here he is. Papa Eren is so proud of you. You bucked up and put a ring on it. 

Levi probably didn’t tell you but he had no idea how to propose. Erwin, Armin and I stayed up all night trying to find a foolproof way that didn’t wind up with Levi slapping the box on the table and demanding her hand in marriage. It took us weeks to coach him into asking because he knew Petra accept even if he didn’t.

I have only one wish for this couple. One thing I’d like you to do for me. _Hold on tight._ You both are rare gems in the world. There’s no one else like you, Petra and Levi. Don’t let go. For me. Because some of us poor bastards are going to be single for the rest of our lives and well. I’m trying to live vicariously through you. I wish you joy and happiness and 2.5 kids and a cat. Maybe a snake. Most of all I wish you a home, not a house, a place where you can cultivate your own little slice of heaven for your future together. Thank you for letting me be your best man. Thank you for letting us celebrate this joyous occasion with you.”

During the applause a loud “Is this your beach ball” is heard and everyone from the bachelor party bursts out laughing. Eren is glad his speech is over. He can overindulge in shrimp cocktails and his mom’s lasagna until it’s appropriate for him to retire. 

He does just that until Levi and Petra leave for their honeymoon. Eren says his goodbyes to the party and exits soon after. He’s already packed. His flight leaves three hours after the couple’s does. All his things from their previously shared apartment have been packed for two weeks. It’s empty aside from the boxes a moving company will retrieve. 

10 hours later Eren is sitting on the floor of his pre-furnished apartment in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. He wants to cry. Wants to breakdown. Wants to kill himself. He doesn’t though. He doesn’t do anything except order Wendy’s on DoorDash and make a list of groceries he needs to buy tomorrow. Tonight he wants to sleep like the dead and if the universe is kind, if the gods want to grant him a small favor they’ll kill him in his sleep. Death is still more palpable to this pain. 

Eren wakes up on the couch to the smell of sweet and sour chicken nuggets and sweat. His car is delivered at 2. He spends the day buying various things for his apartment. New mugs that Levi never used. New dishes. New towels. New sheets. New shower curtain. Things Levi has never touched. A new toothpaste brand. New shower gel that Levi didn’t choose. New to him. None of it burdened by memories of the home they made in that small 2/1 apartment in Seattle. 

Eren resolves himself to settle into his new apartment. He buys a lamp, a welcome mat, a coffee table, and a succulent for his bedroom windowsill. 

After a month he has 15 succulents and a new Instagram account. _PlantHunter_ has 1400 followers and counting. He posts photos of himself with plants he finds in quaint cafes and office buildings. Smiling with fiddlehead figs and frowning with the plastic snake plants that sit beside the receptionist at his job. He spends his days at work, he takes lunch with Hitch and Marlowe, he does dinner alone. At night he talks to his plants, aptly named after his best friends. He hasn’t heard from them since the wedding. Mikasa must be furious. He apologizes to the Jade plant that reminds him of her. 

It’s three months before Armin finds his new Instagram. 

_Eren, where are you? We’ve went to your apartment and saw it was empty. We’ve been trying to find you for months. Mikasa is distraught. Even Levi is visibly concerned. Hanji says to leave you be but you can’t just run from us. Let us visit. We want to see you._

Eren double checks every post on his page. He’s hidden the location in every photo. Every coffee shop name is blurred or blacked out. Every comment related to the location gets deleted. Unless Armin decides to dig for metadata nothing on the page will give him away. Eren is not playing hide and seek. He won’t give them a single clue. 

_I’m fine. Found a new job and moved away. I’ll be staying here for a while Armin. Don’t worry. I’ll be alright._

He’ll be alright because he’s not alright now. Hasn’t been since the 11th grade. Not since he saw Petra kiss Levi in the hall and all the things afterward that sharing an apartment with thin walls entails. He’ll probably never be alright but at least he’s less depressed now. 

It’s been a year since Eren disappeared from their lives. He has quite the collection of plants. Every inch of his apartment is dedicated to greenery. He’s joins a local co-op and has a community garden he visits every other day. Eren grows things now and thinks maybe his little apartment isn’t enough anymore. He has another year on his lease before he can move but he looks for homes anyway. He can transfer to another branch with little to no difficulty. The goodbyes won’t be heartbreaking. He might lose a few plants in the move. 

Eren settles on a home in South Carolina. He’d been saving money the moment Levi got engaged knowing he’d have to live on his own. Three years of hardcore frugality aside from plant buying and he’s owner of a quaint southern home in the sticks with a lemon tree in the back yard. 

He plants an avocado tree the next year.  
He plants a mango tree the year after. 

Shortly after Levi’s fifth anniversary, Eren invites Mikasa and Armin to visit. They both show up over dressed and impressed by the work Eren’s done on the house. The photos on Instagram don’t do it justice. 

The small one floor home needed renovations. Eren tore the floor out, knocked out the wall separating the kitchen and living room. Retiled the bathroom and guest room, repainted every inch. Bought and sold furniture over and over until he found a mix he was satisfied with. The front room is a welcoming invitation of browns and greens and plants. Two incredibly soft mix matched sofas welcome them. A tea tray stacked with Dr. Pepper for Armin and Sparkling Ice for Mikasa sit between the seats. The living room is mostly bare except the sectional sofa and recliner. The left side is consumed by an easel, dozens of canvases, a guitar, a wall of mixtiles and a camera stand. Eren’s YouTube channel had taken off from his Instagram page. From plants to renovations. He’d done everything. 

The kitchen is a collection of various pots and pans that don’t match but are so very Eren, Armin can only smile sweetly at the disorder. They’re both very glad to see him. Both Armin and Mikasa have never been away from him for such a long time. Eren was the enthusiastic glue that held them together. With his absence their friend group drifted off into their own little lives. No one is the same. None of them are as close. 

Armin takes time to really look at Eren. He sees the tiredness behind his eyes. He’s exhaustion still the desire to make something for himself is clear as day. Something that doesn’t include Levi, he’s sure. He thinks that’s alright. Eren deserves the escape. He deserves to heal how he chooses. 

They bring news of their friends. Of Jean and Marco’s growing relationship. Of how Bert and Reiner were caught in a compromising position one night after a few rounds at The Garrison. How Annie was fighting as a pro MMA fighter and dating Mikasa. How Armin and Erwin have been seeing each other more often. Of Levi and Petra’s buying a house and another car and her pregnancy. 

Eren doesn’t ask many questions. He doesn’t want to know. He’s curious but not enough to tear his own heart out. He learned a long time ago that not knowing is better. 

Mikasa asks if he’s seeing anyone. 

He confesses to meeting a guy at work, Thomas Wagner. For a while they got along, sated each other’s needs and filled in some cracks. It was good but not enough. Thomas couldn’t be what he needed. The silent _he's not Levi_ goes unsaid. 

Eren makes them lemonade with the lemons from his tree. They’re especially sour this year. 

Mikasa and Armin leave with lots of pictures and reassurances that they can come by anytime. Eren returns to his daily routine. Workout. Work. Loud music and recording videos. Editing and Sleep. He does for 5 months until Hanji calls. 

“Levi needs you Eren. Please come home.”

Eren didn’t hesitate to attend pack and leave the next day. Anna Rose Ackerman wasn’t alive long enough to open her eyes. 

At the airport he’s greeted by familiar and somber faces. He didn’t think Levi would come to greet him. He figured he’d be at the hospital with his wife. Levi looks small. He shoulders are hunched over, his face and eyes are red. His pupils are grey. So grey. Not even his mother’s passing made his eyes so grey. 

Eren offers everyone pats and one armed hugs but snatches Levi up as soon as he’s within reach. He crushes his tiny friend to his chest offering all the support he can. Levi’s face is in his neck and Eren’s breathe hitches at the small whimpers he lets out. 

“Eren. Make it stop.”

The sound of Levi’s plea makes his eyes tear up instantly. He can’t. He can’t take away the pain. He can’t relate to losing a child. He can’t imagine how Levi would move on from this moment. He can’t help but feel elated that Levi’s in his arms. Small and submissive and needing _him._ Levi never needs him. 

He wants to throw himself off a cliff for making this about his previous desires. 

“I’ll try.”

Levi hates apologies. Hates insincerity. Hates meaningless phrases to placate him so Eren says nothing else. He hands his carryon to Jean and carries his best friend to the truck. He doesn’t let go of Levi until they’re sitting in the Erwin’s driveway. Even so, Levi presses himself tight to his side. Eren won’t let go until he tells him to. 

After settling in one of Erwin’s many and very large guest rooms Levi clings to him. Clings and doesn’t let up until he’s nodding off. Eren scratches his head, pats his back, let’s him use him as a pillow however Levi sees fit. This is what he’s here for. For Levi. And Petra. 

“I didn’t want this Eren.”

Levi falls asleep in his arms afterwards. It’s quiet. So quiet. It’s been at least a decade since they last shared a bed. It’s uncomfortable. Eren doesn’t know where to place his hands on a sleeping Levi. Eventually he gives up on resting and heads downstairs to catch up with the rest of his friends. 

“He hasn’t slept since they took her away.”

That was three days ago. 

“He hasn’t seen Petra since…”

_...since their child died. Their first child._

Eren tears up for Levi. The sadness presses on his neck and he bows over in his seat. He tried to hold it in. He swallows and chokes on the sobs bubbling from his throat. He clenches his eyes shut tight _tight._ It hurts. It hurts. _It hurts._

A birth defect, Levi told them. They knew from the fifth month. Knew that even if their baby girl was a fighter, she wouldn’t live beyond 48 hours. Eren could’ve been there. Should’ve been there. He cries. Beats himself up over it. It hurts because he failed because he was selfish. Because he wasn’t there.

Hanji’s hand on his back and Mikasa’s on his shoulder helps calm his lamenting faster than usual. The small comfort he accepts while grieving for his family. His family because all of those in that house haven’t been friends in years. 

After a round of tea and mindless conversation Levi trods down the stairs. Eyes wide and wet searching for Eren. The relief at seeing that brown mop of hair is evident on his face but not his gait. As calmly as he can he lays in Eren’s lap. Eren’s fingers are in his hair in an instant, ruffling and petting. He doesn’t look down though. If he does the love in his soul will seep into his features and now is not the time. Instead he asks Mikasa if she still has Levi’s clips in her purse. Of course she does. She never stopped carrying them. They were her brother’s and it was all she had of him. 

“The shark one.”

Levi laughed at that. Just a small sad chuckle at the bittersweet memory. Eren bought it after his mother died. After his father had showed up at the funeral and proceeded to be the worthless asshole Levi always assumed he was. Eren ran out to get Rocky Road and instead came back with a little blue clip with shark fins on it. Levi was so confused he couldn’t help but ask.

_“He said your mom should’ve swallowed and I couldn’t not get this clip.”_

Levi had laughed and laughed because only he would get the joke and because only Eren would make the two work in such a ridiculous way.

_“But seriously Levi. If you want to kill him, I can find us a cannibal on the dark web.”_

Levi had fallen off the couch laughing so hard.


	2. Chapter 2

“We were hoping the baby would help.”

Levi confesses to him one night. The air is stiff and rife with questions. Eren can’t bring himself to ask any. To ask why Levi hasn’t been allowed to see Petra. Why he asked Erwin for divorce papers? Why he’s here in Eren’s bed and not his own? Levi doesn’t like interrogations so he waits for him to continue. 

They lay side by side in the Eren’s designated room. Levi on his stomach. Both hands tucked under the pillow. Eren lay on his back facing the ceiling with an ear inches from Levi’s mouth. It’s how they talked after lights out during sleepovers. Eren’s parents bedroom was just across the hall and they always slept with the door open. They would whisper in the dark with all the innocence of children sharing secrets. It’s comfortable even now. It’s easy and Levi doesn’t have to maintain his stone faced facade. Here he can cry into the night with only Eren and the walls as witnesses.

Levi needs the comfort to recount the horrors of his failed marriage. Incidences of how tense things became after he left. Of how desperately Levi had searched for him, of how insecure and accusing Petra became after his trampled feelings were revealed. It hurts Eren to know he was the beginning of the end for his friend. He did what was best for himself. He doesn’t regret it but the guilt sticks to the back of his tongue all the same.

Levi assumed the role of a dutiful and dedicated husband to appease his wife’s worries. He lived a life of routine, with the additional misery of an accusatory glance and inquisition every time he was somewhere Petra didn't assume he’d be. 

Her distress bled into the fabric of their home. It stained good morning kisses and welcome homes. Insecurity changed her wardrobe and her attitude. Even the weekly flowers that were signs of affection became ‘I’m sorry for caring about someone other than you.’ 

It consumed Levi. The place he rested his head held no peace. He had shut himself away with his bitter wife to reinforce his dedication to her and her alone. He had isolated himself with a budding disaster and Eren wasn’t there to see him through it. 

Work became his solace. The house, his misery.

Levi tells Eren about her father’s proposal. How trying for a baby did help things. How Petra became obsessed with having his child. Sex became a chore to do on fertile days, in some positions, never in others, and never without the reminder that he needed to do it “right.” Lust and desire were removed from the equation. Love was not far behind.

Despite it all, he was looking forward to his own little person too. Levi was the one that proposed they take the extra step. Levi tells Eren about the fertility clinic. About IVF and the tests. About the one that came back negative. 

Levi tells Eren about the abuse he underwent at his wife’s hands because of it.

Eren trembles with anger before the conclusion of Levi’s recollection. He fights down the bile and sick to instead pull his friend close. Eren draws Levi in, reassuring him that he’s here. That he never has to see his wife again after the divorce. That he didn’t deserve whatever abuse he endured.

Eren knows Levi better than anyone. So he knows Levi beat himself up after Petra did. He knows Levi feels responsible. Knows he feels like he failed as a husband and lover. Eren knows Petra reinforced those destructive thoughts. 

Eren reminds Levi that abusers are liars. Eren reminds Levi that he is loved. That he has value. That he is not a failure as a man. That he deserves better. That he is worth it. That he is not limited to being a breadwinner and a sperm donor. 

Still there’s more to tell. 

Nearly a year after the initial abuse, Levi returned home to a cheery wife and a positive pregnancy test from her OBGYN. 

Levi tells Eren he asked only once if she went to a sperm bank. 

She had the decency to not lie to his face. The silence was answer enough.

Eren cries again that night. For Levi because he won’t cry for himself. He’ll never let himself be the victim. Eren can’t let himself go home.  
Can’t let himself leave Levi in an abusive marriage with distant friends and shitty in-laws. 

Levi pats Eren’s shoulder as a sign to loosen up. He’s squeezing too hard lost in his thoughts. Levi props himself on Eren’s chest. His pointy elbows in his chest and stomach. His pouty lips bitten between blindingly white teeth. The ever present furrow of his brows pressed by perfectly groomed brows. The look on his face cautious and unsure.

“I missed you.”

Eren smiles sadly in return. He wants to say he missed Levi too but ‘missed’ falls short of the emotion he experienced. He did not miss Levi. He longed for him. It hurt to be away. He had been driven to self harming to control himself. Eren would get the shakes some nights from repressing the desire to pick up the phone and call. To hear the voice he heard every day for years and years and years. Eren was a wreck and wrecks aren’t capable of simply missing someone. Being apart from Levi burned in his soul like dry ice to flesh. Cold and hot and unrelenting. It stuck like it too. 

The feeling of being incomplete would not disentangle itself from him no matter how many men he took to bed. No matter how many bottles he drank each night. No matter how much he bench pressed. He’ll never forget the hollow feeling in his core after a long night of nothing. Not even the cicadas kept him company on hot days while he stewed in his desperation. Not even the songs of frogs and grasshoppers and the rustling of his fruit trees could soothe how empty he felt. No, Eren did not miss Levi. He needed him to feel human. To breathe free of the crushing heartbreak he suffocated himself with.

“Me too.”

Levi nods in response, face the most empty he’s seen since his return. Yet his eyes are still betraying him. He excuses himself to sleep alone for the first time in the week he’d been there. 

The wake and funeral are in the morning. 

Everyone is dressed appropriately. The weather is not. Bright and sunny and perfectly windy. A picnic day. Not a day to bury a child. Not a day to signify the end of the life. Spring is a cruel time for death. 

The name on the program is a slap in the face. 

_Emilia Reign Ral. Rest In Peace._

Levi’s party is confused and infuriated. Eren especially because she has the unmitigated gall to put her –

Levi silences them with a sigh, a raised hand and shake of his head. He had a hunch. This was no surprise to him.

The casket is closed. Eren watches Levi approach and place his hand on the lid. He watches him bite a trembling lip and sigh. Of course he’ll grieve. He spent the first five months preparing to be a father after all. He attended the classes, planned the nursery, chose her first outfit. He knew this child wasn’t his all along. Still he prepared to parent her right, raise her up to be strong like her mother and calm like her father figure.

Eren hears the whispers. He sees Levi tense at the repetition of his name. Watches the hand that drops off the casket. Sees how his spine straightens as he walks to the pulpit to address people that don’t deserve an explanation. 

“Thank you all for coming to mourn with us today. I am grateful to know that my wife and I have such supportive friends and I hope you stand by us as we grieve.”

Petra sits in the first pew dabbing her eyes and leaning into her father’s shoulder. Levi runs his hand over his face and looks to Eren for advice. Eren nods, acknowledging, encouraging him to tell the truth. Get it out and move on. Eren has already made a plan. This is the first step. 

“As you all know, Petra and I married five years ago. Long before I proposed, she would rant and rave about her dream home and the many children she’d carry and care for. I was excited to take this step with her because I knew how deeply she craved motherhood. I wanted nothing more than to bring her the utmost happiness by creating a miracle with her.”

Levi inhales and exhales slowly. Eren urges him on again with another nod. They hold each other's gaze as he continues. 

“Unfortunately for us, I am sterile. This is not my child. Petra and I tried for nearly two years before we saw a specialist. We sought the services of a sperm donor to father our children. It has been tough for us but with the successful impregnation things were improving. I was ready to be whatever Petra and our child needed me to be and to lose this innocent life has been devastating to us both. When the fertility specialist told us I could not have children, I was heartbroken. I failed in my duty to give her that which she desires most but this little one… She gave us hope. Hope that we’d have a dozen brats and thousands of experiences with them. 

She was supposed to be a start for the next chapter in our lives. She is but not in the way I imagined. Grief will change us so I’m sorry if we’re not who we were before. I intend to see this day as a new beginning and to live my life in a way that honors my daughter.”

With that Levi leaves the church. Eren follows to keep an eye on him. He’s known Levi for nearly twenty years and this by far his most difficult experience. He notices the trembling in Levi’s hands. How he pulls on his earlobe like he did during freshman year. He hasn’t quit biting his lip since the night he told Eren everything. Eren doesn’t want to think of what situations he needed to silence himself with violent bites.

“Are you leaving me for this fag?”

The poisonous words that drip from Petra tongue are heavy with years of resentment. He can see how Levi caves to her wickedness now. It’s so startling. Eren is immobile under her leer. The amber eyes he saw soften with friendliness and joy are brimming with disgust and ill intentions. The mouth he’d seen playful pout and grin widely turns up into a sneer. Time transformed this woman from their mom friend into a monster. 

Eren has never seen Petra this way. She’s on fire. It burns in her eyes as she holds contact with his. It hurts him to see this is the girl he left his first love with. This woman abused Levi. Violated him mercilessly. Took advantage of his ideals and duty and defouled them with manipulation and guilt. 

If she hadn’t just given birth, Eren thinks. He wants to shake her, grab her little shoulders and yank her back and forth and back again until she's dizzy and crying. He’s so frustrated for Levi. Not only for the words she just said. For the years she spent uttering them to him. Insecure and angry. She dedicated her marriage to guilt tripping him and now she still plays the victim. 

Petra Ral. Cheater. Liar. Abuser. _Victim._ Of circumstances of her own making. A victim of a personalized ‘fuck you.’ Petra Ral. Mother. Divorcee. Bitch. 

Without a second glance he turns around, places a hand between Levi’s shoulders and pushes him forward. 

“I’m taking you home.”

Eren wasn’t as prepared as last time. The ticket confirmation needs to be printed. Levi needs at least 3 days of clothes and toiletries. He needs a hug and to deliver the divorce papers and quiet. He needs a safe haven and a hammock. He needs to take off that _fucking ring_.

Eren packs the bags, prints the tickets, and drags Levi to the airport. They’re still in their funeral clothes. Eren’s hair's a mess from dragging his hands through it. Levi’s eyes are wet and all he’s done is fiddle with the band on his finger. The actualization of a promise. To have and to hold. To love and cherish. To protect and adore until death do they part. 

Instead he silently extends his hand outward. A request. 

O _Trust me with this. Let me help you with this._

Eren likes to think Levi trusts him with everything. He has never intentionally hurt Levi. He’s only trying to give him a quiet place to grieve and clear his head. To find himself again. 

Eren watches with wide eyes as Levi slides the band from his finger and shoves it into the bottom of his carry on. 

“My marriage, Eren. My problem.”

Eren nods understanding that this isn’t something he can take care of for Levi. This is coming out to his mom, finals, the BAR, writing that essay, proposing to his girlfriend. All things only Levi can only do for Levi. 

All Eren can do is let him into the isolated corner he carved for himself in South Carolina. And the hammock. Levi can have the hammock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was significantly harder to write. It didn’t flow like ch1 but I’m mildly satisfied with how this turned out. This is shaping up to be a solid short fic and writing this has helped loosen up some of that writer’s block I’m suffering with other works.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The frosting on my angst cake. Get your tissues. 
> 
> TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, anxiety attacks

Eren doesn’t know what to expect from Levi as he opens his front door. He knows the cursory once over and two finger dust check are bound to happen. Instead Levi chuckles at his greenhouse, which is wholly unexpected.

Cat palms greet them at the front door and tiny cacti dot the console table. Eren immediately drops his phone, keys, shoes and grabs a scrunchie from the pile. He’s sure Levi is doing the same behind him. He hauls the luggage inside, shows Levi where his bedroom and bathroom are, tell him to not be shy and retreats to his own room for solace. 

Eren never imagined Levi in his home. He would not let himself. He knew he’d conjure up images of a topless Levi lounging on his couches. A thoroughly satisfied and content Levi splayed out in his bed. He suffered enough of his imagination in high school and all through college. Post-wedding Eren does not torture himself with fantasies of unattainable men. 

Post-wedding Eren’s best friend is wandering his home either way. Searching for the cleaning supplies no doubt. Eren returns to the living room just to remind Levi that it’s already 10 and he needs sleep but stops in his tracks at the sight that waits there. 

Levi is standing by the plants named for his friends. Each plant has a photo of them placed at the roots. A Golden Pothos for Armin. A Red-Edged Dracaena for Mikasa. A Bamboo Palm for his mother. A snake plant for Levi. English Ivy for Hange. A Philodendron for Erwin. 

Levi is pointedly glaring at the snake plant. 

“It’s ugly.”

Eren doesn’t think so. He didn’t when he bought it. One of the few plants that survived the move from Florida. The snake plant is probably his favorite. He has three more. One in his kitchen. Another on the back porch and the biggest in his bedroom. 

Though snake plants look a little wiry at first, they’re beautiful when they’re grown. Simplistic and neat. They reach higher and higher. They have unlimited growth potential and they can’t be clipped back in an attempt to control them. They do more for their environment than any other plant in his collection, offering clean air for a little water. Giving more than they take, always. 

They’re very much like Levi. Uncontrollable. A little prickly at first. Simplistic and neat. Giving all he can, when he can. 

Levi might see a discordant little plant with unremarkable leaves but Eren knows. Eren knows all the good things Levi doesn’t. Things every person would see if they took their time to learn more. The similarities are endless. 

Levi asks about each plant. He smirks at how Eren describes the English Ivy as a “plant that’ll consume everything in its path” and nods when Eren calls the Philodendron noble. He doesn’t ask about the snake plant. He eyes it once more before turning in for the night. His shoulders are sloped and dejection radiates from his pores. It’s clear as day how tired Levi is. How long he’s been standing strong by himself and how he’s taking time to savor not pretending. 

_”See ya Eren.”_

Suddenly Eren is at the coffee table mussing his hair over textbooks, blowing his bangs away from his eyes, rubbing the bags underneath them and mumbling curses at modern education. Levi is leaving for class or nodding off to sleep or going out with friends or headed to the gym with a “See ya Eren” and a smile on his lips. 

Eren is 17 years old again. He watches as Petra presses Levi into the wall and Levi pulls Petra into his arms exchanging school-acceptable kisses and whispered words. 

Eren is 19 again stumbling to their shared apartment drunk and crying over Levi. He’s fumbling with his keys and blinking rapidly to clear the remnants of tears. He’s kicking off his shoes and hears a squeak and thud. He’s looking up to see Levi pulling up his pants and Petra covering her mouth, lipstick smudges telling the story before he asks. He’s sighing and reminding them for the 50th time with all the bravado he can muster with fresh tears popping up behind his eyes. 

_”Not on the couch please.”_

Not where he can see. Not where he has to remember. Not where he finds a small semblance of peace. Not where he lives and breathes and maybe being alive isn’t worth it anymore. His existence is stained with the only thing he wants but can’t have. 

He’s 20. Turning up the volume on his YouTube playlist to drown out the sound of Levi’s squeaking bed. Of Petra in the shower moaning loudly. Of the two of them on the couch screwing each other’s brains out when they don’t know he’s there. He’s burying his face in his mother’s scarf to hide the sounds of his anxiety attack. He’s hunched over by his nightstand, back bowed and pleading for some god to take the ache away or kill him. It hurts and he can’t breathe and he can’t see and he doesn’t want to live like this anymore. 

It's the day before his 21st. Shaking, crying, and bleeding because the depression has settled deep into his skin. In his hips, his ribs, his stomach, his thighs. Years of bottling it up, drinking illegally to get it out. It doesn’t come out unless it’s red and aching and itching days later. The little red lines proof of how he loves. How powerfully he loves and how much he doesn’t want to. Punishment for loving. Punishment for punishing himself. For having the audacity to care for anyone because he’s disgusting and hates himself and would rather die. 

He wonders what they’ll do it he finally decides to off himself tonight. Maybe Petra will move into his room. Levi will feel free to do whatever he wants then. Eren won’t be in his way. He’d be dead. 6 feet under. In hell according to Father Nile. 

He’s shivering under the cold water crying for help inside because it hurts. Because he wants to die. Because he’s afraid of death. Because he’s depressed. Because the stain of heartbreak has bled into every part of his life. Because he’s only pretending to be alive anymore. Because unrequited love is merciless. Because. Because. Because. 

He’s 22. Graduation is a week away and he’s lying on his back staring into the darkness of his room. Levi hasn’t been home in days. It’s the longest he’s gone without seeing him and even though looking into those grey pools tear him apart he can’t help but miss them. He’s rolling a razor between his fingers. He’s gotten dexterous over the years. His lines cleaner. More focused. Better hidden.

He’s contemplating ending his life after graduation. He’ll make his parent’s proud one last time. Then how will he do it? Steal Mikasa’s gun? Slit his wrists? Bleed out in bed? Or the tub? Throw himself off a bridge? A building?

What else would he do with his future? It’s worthless. He has no hope. No dreams. No plans. No passions. He’s a finance student and he’s not good at much else but numbers, drinking Jean under the table and pretending to be alright. 

All his future could possibly hold is more pain. More isolation. More loneliness. More Levi with Petra and not him because he’s _a mess_ a suicidal mess and he needs help. 

He cries the night of graduation because Levi pulls him into his arms, whispers how proud he is of him, brags about how he’ll need an accountant when he opens own firm. Because now he has a plan. He had nothing but suicide notes in his drawer, a bottle of sleeping pills to help with his insomnia, painkillers from when he broke three of his fingers and determination. He was ready to end it tonight. 

Instead, cries the day Levi asks him to go ring shopping. Cuts when he settles on something custom made months later. Cries again when he brings it home. Cuts again when Levi asks him how to propose. He cries and cuts and scratches at the lines until his fingernails are saturated with blood from the wounds in his bleeding heart. 

He cuts his wrist for the first time the night before the wedding. He’s sure it’s the last time he’ll hear the words from Levi’s mouth. “See ya Eren.” A simple goodbye, nonchalant but meaningful all the same. Painful as it’s always been. 

Suddenly he’s back in South Carolina. He’s 32 years old and hasn’t cut in three years. He’s an adult with a grip and will not spiral down that road again. He has antidepressants and local friends and a satisfying job and he’s okay. Having Levi in his home will be okay. He’s not the one suffering here. This is about his best friend that lost everything. A wife. A child. A home. All in the last week. 

Eren fetches Levi new sheets, a comforter, towels and checks mosquitos screens in the guest room before retiring to his own. He’s set for the night. Come morning, he’ll show Levi where the cleaning things are then he’ll get some grocery shopping done. 

As Eren lay in bed, sea green eyes unfocused, making a list of Levi’s old favorites, how much more he’ll have to buy in his next trip, he remembers he never actually planned anything with Levi. Just kind of kidnapped him and took him home. He hasn’t even told Mikasa that they left. 

Oh well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this chapter is so short but I wasn’t able to make any progress after the flashback/montage scenes. Your comments really do help me write so please. Give me your opinions! 
> 
> Q: Will I ruin this work if I introduce dialogue heavy chapters?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been some time since I've updated anything. I started a new job and school and I'm trying to healthy and blah blah blah. Anyway. Please thank my wonderful friend, and sometimes beta, Dollface for pushing me to write the words. 
> 
> Lots of things happening here. Welcome to the land of Molehills. Mountains ahead.

Sometimes, when Eren closes his eyes, he can still feel the bite of unrequited love. It crowds behind his lids late, late at night. Stings his skin when they brush against the other resident in his home. It teases his dreams when Levi climbs in his bed at night. Soft breaths fanning over his collarbone, the back of his neck, his bicep. Now Eren knows he never stopped being in love. The distance only lightened the burden.

If he could divest himself of his deepest desire. If he could shed it, place it to the wayside, watch the waves crash above it and carry it off to sea. He would. He would let the tide wash away his greatest problem. He’d unburden his heart and be better for himself, for Levi, for his work and his friends. He’d visit his mother more often. He’d move back to dreary Seattle and go to the fish market he misses so very much.

He cannot. Can’t take off an undead emotion, tie to a rock and cast it off to sea. Can’t bury his romantic feelings under dunes or dirt. Not in ink. Not in the windswept ashes of those pages. Not at the root of his lemon tree. He can’t relinquish the want to be closer, no matter how much it aches inside to bear. He will carry it silently and without complaint because it’s not about him.

It’s always about Levi. 

Six months have passed since he took him away from that place. Since he brought him home to a place for recovery. A safe place handcrafted by Eren’s desire to build a life not surrounding the man making breakfast in his kitchen. Every detail of his home, hand selected in a mission to find himself. To declare himself as more than a boy in love. His haven has become a halfway house for the emotionally unstable.

Six months pass and Levi starts looking like himself again. Under Eren's watchful eye and Hanji’s meal plan Levi fills out again. He is no longer gaunt and pale. The faint yellowing of old bruises is long gone. His hair is glossy and not weighed down by its own oils. His clothes are pressed. The undercut neat. The cocky smirk adorns his face more often. The wit he so loved makes a permanent return. 

Levi has quit the firm in Seattle. He works as a receptionist at an animal hospital 25 minutes from the house. His house now. Their house. Together.

“Can I stay? This place...your place, Eren, it's good for me.”

Eren’s heart is in disarray. He’s shaken by the strength of feelings he thought he tossed away along with the broken bottles, used condoms and long nights binging shows he was never really interested in the first place. 

_”He doesn’t have to love me.”_

Mikasa and Hange call the most often. Hange worries for Levi because he isn’t the type to run from his problems. Mikasa worries for Eren because she’s not nearly as clueless as he hopes she is.

_”I just want to give him a safe space.”_

Levi deserves a place where he doesn’t have to pretend. He deserves a home where he doesn’t have to maintain his reputation or image. Some place where he doesn’t have to lie to himself. When he moved to Ft. Lauderdale, his greatest relief, was not putting on airs. The same could be said for Levi. 

_”Take care of yourself too. Idiot.”_

Thomas picks up the slack in that regard. Eren is so devoted to giving Levi a roof and an escape that he burns himself out. He’s lost the routine his life developed in his solitude and so everything else his off-kilter as well. His morning runs take longer. His skin routine is shorter. His diet is messier. His work is sloppier.

Thomas sees. Thomas pays attention. Thomas comes to his rescue with coffee in the morning, breakfast sandwiches at lunch, and lube on late nights. 

Thomas comes with heated make out sessions for the emotionally unavailable and sometimes with Chinese on Saturdays. Its on one of these nights where Eren is drunkenly rejecting Thomas’ advances pressed against his bedroom door that Levi remembers why Eren left in the first place.

”It's still him isn’t it?”

A long sigh is the response Levi overhears before he crosses the living room to retreat behind his own door. Just before it shuts the whispers of Eren’s response reach him. 

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

It doesn’t matter, yes, Levi silently agrees. It doesn’t matter because he does not see Eren that way. As beautiful as he is, as kind and compassionate and warm and considerate as Eren Jaeger is, there is no romance in his feelings. No desire to pull him close and kiss him softly. The image pops into his mind unbidden either way. He has spent time tucked into Eren’s chest, sobbing his aches and pains away. Cursing himself and Petra and the gods above. The only difference between then and the vision in his mind’s eye is the lack of tears and warm press of the lips that has eased him through long dark nights. 

Levi shuts his door softly, sealing himself away, not seeing Eren escort Thomas to the door. He doesn’t witness a chaste kiss between the two. His eyes don’t meet regret filled grass green ones that stare at his door. Longing etched in every ridge of the irises, pupils wide with fond fantasies he once cast away. 

Eren comes back to himself just in time to see the light switch off in Levi’s room. He listens out for the sound of the lock. When it comes he knows Levi is turning in for the night. He won’t be seeking his company with hot tea for a welcome ear. That is okay. Its for the best. Tonight he will sleep alone in his cold bed with his cruelest memories and the ghosting press of a blade on his wrists. 

 

^^^^^

Eren is his best friend. Has been since they were 8 years old. Eren came out to him as gay, Levi as bisexual in a rushed reassurance fueled speech. In college they came out to each other again, Eren as Pansexual. Levi, jokingly, as “Petra-sexual.” 

They know everything about each other. First kisses, first times, first fights, fight hickies. He knows Eren had a thing for Erwin briefly but didn’t tell Armin because he had dibs. He knows Eren never dated all through college. He knows Eren resorted to one night stands to get his fix and always took them to Jean’s because he didn’t want him to know.

Levi thinks he knows everything there is to know about Eren until a warm August day where the light catches on his best friend’s forearms just right. Not that Levi was staring at him, in any sort of way but he was staring, and the faint silver lines make their first appearance to his despair.

They’re all silver, he notes. None of the red, or brown or fading. All thin white lines from a controlled hand. He imagined Eren alone in his South Florida apartment releasing his frustrations and ache in his blood with a sliver of steel. 

Before he can stop himself, he wraps his closest friend in his arms platitudes at the ready.

_I’m sorry I wasn’t there._

_I’m here if you need me._

_Don’t hurt yourself anymore._

Before they tumble from his lips and slap the ground wet and motionless, he knows they’ll be useless. All on this own Eren pulled himself together. He started and stopped. All on his lonesome. In Florida, with no one. No friends, no family, no lover, not even a pet. Eren had fallen apart and put himself together. So Levi thinks.

Eren’s questioning comes to an abrupt end as Levi’s arms grow tighter. A soft but sad smile spread across his face as he wraps Levi in his exposed forearms. Eren doesn’t think of the scars that decorate his skin until he sees them again in the light of the afternoon. Clarity dawns in his eyes.

Levi doesn’t know. Never did. He stiffens and the sad smile grows sadder and more understanding. They don’t need words to express the emotions needing to be shared. It’s always been that way. Unfortunately. There was no hiding these. He could stash away the pills. The ones for his depression, the others for his insomnia, most for anxiety. Sleeping pills, headache pills, scar cream that used to be devoutely applied years ago. Only needed for the scars Eren earned while tearing up the tiles, fighting with the neighborhood cats that were too proud to be hand fed. Now he knows. 

Not that he can hide it forever. Not with the small knicks on his thighs. The scratches that peeled the skin off the inside of his thighs. It's an awful feeling because Levi’s grey grey eyes shine, they are proud of him for conquering his monster. For toughing out his battles. For being the David needed to fell the titan Gloiath. 

Thomas would see soon too. One night when the alcohol loosened his strich rules. Thomas’ hands wander too high, too warm with lust. Thomas’ lips too lose, whispering filth in his ear. Of how he’d make Eren sing for him. How he craved him in bed. Eren losing himself in the proximity, the intimacy of reverent thumbs slipping beneath his t shirt. Visions of pale hands and perfectly curved fingernails leaving passionate crescents in the flesh of his thighs. He would rather. How he would prefer Levi. Levi with his small hands and grey eyes. They’d be so blue on him, so blue inside him. But no, Thomas’ amber eyes lock with his and the illusion crumbles. The frustration wets his eyes because again.

Again. Again and again and again. He’s done it again.

“Just one more time.”

A begging whisper from lips that don’t smirk. Lips that don’t hold wit or charm or the keys to his very soul. Lips that say the right words but lack the small cupid’s bow, he has come to adore. Lips that aren’t pink enough. Hands that are too soft with jagged nails and torn cuticles. A body too selfish to read Eren’s grief or perhaps a heart kind enough to grant him reprieve from the sting of reality. Eren is unsure but rejects him either way.

Eren rejects him before the pads of Thomas’ fingertips can graze the new scars. Not in time to deal away the wave of sadness that descends on him in a hurry. No more. He told himself. No more would Thomas creep in his bed. His worthlessness shone brightest in the mornings after being used. Hands and lips and teeth and tongues left sticky trails of slime on his skin. Nothing made him want to hurt more than cleaning up the sticky semen from his temporary bed partner. He's had enough. 

And he has scars. More scars. Ugly scars. Ones created from his nails and his frustration and his agitation. Ones that rendered his finely manicured hands red in the late of the night under the dark of the new moon. Ones that appear while he's dead asleep under the influence of prescribed sleeping pills and nightmares.

“Goodnight Thomas.”

A firm hand placed on his old fling’s chest. 

An “Alright. I’ll see you at work.” Then “Bye Levi.”

Grey grey eyes meet surprised green. Green as they’d ever been. Stricken and apologetic. There’s no hiding it. As Levi leans against the wall, arms folded, eyes appraising. The question in his eyes is not lost on the brunet who stands sheepish at his own door, in his own home. 

Thomas invited himself over with a bottle of alcohol and ingested none of it. Eren couldn’t finish his cup before it was filled by manipulative hands. 

“I’m alright Levi.”

A nod. Levi turns to returns to his room. Flashes of his best friend’s face as another man laved arousing kisses up the tan column of his neck. His shoulders are stiff as he looks over them once more. Eren stands at the front door eyes soft. So soft. It aches to look into them knowing that all these years.

All these years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. I hope you'll tell me if you didn't. Is it cliche to say a lot of Billie Eilish helped write this chapter? Cause A LOT of Billie Eilsih helped write this chapter.


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